Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Comedy (Siphoning Gas)

Google Part 1 of my newest routine. This is not a script but an outline or explanation of what I said. If you want just watch the video.




SAT words, hitting people, excuse me.
We were told to integrate SAT words into our vocabulary. 7 years after the test I am starting this. At work I went up to the bosses and said " this item was placed very precariously."

these damn runners take up the lanes in narrow, curvy two lane streets. I can't go across and hit oncoming cars. You hope these pricks go off to the side of the road for a second. So i stay in my lane and prepare for the worst. Haven't hit someone yet. But if squirells are stupid enough to get hit when they venture on the road, why can't these athletic assholes learn the same hard lesson.

When people say excuse me they don't mean excuse me (said nicely and apolegetic). what they mean at best is this sarcastic "so sorry to have bothered you" and at usual they mean "excuse me" (said rudely) as in get the fuck out of my way. I am in the frozen section of a store and i pin myself in, I am pressed against the wall, people are picking me out of the coolers instead of the digiornios pizza since i am so out of the way. And this women barrels through with her cart and rudely says "excuse me"

You never see Carollas or Priuses speeding. They are always blocking your path, poking along. You have to go somewhere, they have to stop you from getting there.

Women are nice right away. One of the few things good from the start. But unlike most things that get better, women will be worse to you over time.

The point of cleaning is to pretend there never was a mess. That way you can lie to others and not get nagged.

answer to heckler (he /she is the reason why)

In Diluth, Minnesota, may of 2008 a man drove over a dog killing it instantly. He had damage to his car and had to take a day off of work. So he sued the owners for $1,000. the poor creature, I am so sorry, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOOD. great now I got to miss a day of work and go to court. let me grab my new coat made of dog fur and meet in you court. my kind of guy. 

3 Juveniles dig up a corpse in Texas in May 2008 to smoke a bong of Marijuana. When the cop came to their house to question him he threw up. The effort to get a good hit. legalize it recreationally. 

we always bump into each other. why can't we agree on the rules of the road? everyone on the right side. Instead you always have to do the fake move like you are going one way and then you box the other person out. and race around them. 

After hurricane Sandy People are stealing gas. Avoid dealing with gas stations price gauging. Siphon gas. But leave just enough so your victim can drive back to the gas station for more. Or go full Grand Theft Auto and just steal the car after they fill up. Neighbor going away. Tip over their car and siphon every last drop of gasoline. 

Someone Who isn’t me, stole from Dunkin Donuts recently. The cashier didn’t ring up everything i ordered. So i said what about my donut so she grabbed it and gave it to me but failed to charge me for it. I was already gone by the time she realized it. Everything evens out, Lord knows, Shaws frequently rips me off.

The witch at Citizens bank wouldn’t let me withdraw money from my account. I asked how come I can deposit money into the account without any problem. She said anyone could deposit into my account, i could have deposited money into your account.” “well why didn’t you? (said subdued). 

March 19, 2013
In appropriate yelling. Yelling about good things can weird people out. Next time you rear end someone. Get out of the car and say WHY WERE YOU DRIVING AT THE SPEED LIMIT? WHY DID YOU STOP AT THE STOP SIGN. WHY WAS I DRIVING TOO FAST. YOU ARE A GOOD DRIVER THIS WAS ALL MY FAULT. YOU DESERVE ALL THE MONEY. I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU

next snow storm i will yell at the snow plow guys. WHY DID YOU PLOW THE PARKING LOT SO WE CAN ALL PARK HERE? WHY DID YOU DO IT FOR FREE? I CAN’T BELIEVE I NOW HAVE TO WALK TO THE STORE WITHOUT WALKING THROUGH A FOOT OF SNOW.


Monday, December 3, 2012

Comedy Show Episode 4

The final show of the A Life Gone Astray series. Take humor in the travesties of my life-gone-astray.


Comedy Show Episode 3

This is a foolishly wacky video. I cross the line with ordinary situations; pure wackiness and wickedness results. The foolish cat deprives me of a decent reputation with the neighbors once again. The pictures have no correlation with the video.

                                                                                                                  

Comedy Show Episode 2

This is the second video on location. This time I spontaneously drove not knowing where I would end up. I drove over 100 mph at times. I had a $100 and I tried to get lost. I ended up in Yarmouth, MA. I noticed how businesses and car dealerships are on the edge of the road. The road takes you through an airport where planes fly over head. I discovered an entrance to a beautiful beach which I pictured. The video description explains the rest. I spent the whole night finding the original live audio before producing this video. I slept in my car the next day between work shifts.


Comedy Show Episode 1




This is the first video of a series I entitled A Life Gone Astray. I angrily discuss facebook birthdays. I pleasantly describe the feline cat militia spreading across the country. I recount how dentists torture patients. I express disappointment in answering the land phone. And I explain how Matt Epstein is the king of  all pranksters.

Comedy Writer - Dumb Daryl's Delusions

This is the third comedy routine I developed. Daryl is a fictional person that brings a nice alliteration to the title. He is very deluded. And he makes funny observations with a strong attitude towards subjects such as family, skiing, slacking off, college, living vicariously through others on facebook, marathons, cheating, and sneaking food.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Relax

The Ramblings of Rambunctious Ralph

I made this second comedy video in the midst of a giant snow storm. I was looking for a fun way to spend the day. The video needs to be experienced rather than simply heard. I talk about my unique experiences at outlet malls, my trip in Florida with events no one would expect, and some hilarious pranks my friends and I pulled. Other surprises as well.

Ralph is a fictional character I became. He is quite rambunctious and has a lot to say!