Wednesday, December 28, 2016


Part 2
jimbo's is the comedy club Scott talked about
Rafferty's Pub i performed once
A pneumonic for remembering the alphabet: And Bill Clinton Dates Every Foolish Girl He Intelligently Jostles Keeping Loving Mistresses Needing Optimal Professional Quality Relaxation Services. The Ugly Veneral Warts Excite Young Zionists. 
I'm preventing autism by eating whole foods, gluten free smartfood. 
Stopped going to a physician since everytime felt Like I was  being molested. He was jewish with this pedophile mustache.
groceries caused the seat belt light to come on. DUmb car.
I examine my conscience for humor
stayed up all night watching porn and was tired for Christmas
HR Michael told workers who were doing nothing that they were good, they were out of the way and to stay back there.  
dressing sharp for a funeral. April 12, 2013
Clones, one high level worker in your company could be cloned and fire everyone else. The clones will communicate. One pete will already be closing the retail store during opening shift. The other one selling credit cards at the front desk. the clones could run the store.

or impressions. imitate the boss over the walkie and have everyone up to his level slaving away, stacking pallets answering, fake security calls. The boss is so serious about the company brand. If someone was killed he would have someone dig the bodies and put location labels on the trees to increase location accuracy.  making labels in the woods as pete digs bodies. 
one guy went in front of a store and used his own walkie to jerk the lod to walk around the store for fake calls.

pete spinning the wheels getting ready to take the next cart.

4th grade halloween. dirt bike gloves, horn, devil costume. matt’s father, “no, we’re not going back to get your pitchfork”

April 13, 2013
Target “proudly sponsors” kid’s reading event. “proudly sponsors”, what does Walmart regretfully sponsor it. Walmart doesn’t want kids to read, they want them to work for Walmart.

CNBC at Burger King. good brand

May 1, 2013
Why is porn obsessed with the number 30? “XXX”

May 6, 2013
Staff is a word that makes anything sound less important. even for engineers. if you say to an engineer “are you part of the engineer staff where you work” you can take the wind out of their sails. if you don't mention the company they work at but just say to some white collar asshole when they are bragging about their work, “oh so you are part of the accounting staff or the engineer staff’ haha you can be equal to them no matter what your career is haha.

Part 2 May 17, 2013
You know someone is unfriendly when you answer your own greeting. or when a douche doesn't respond well to you complimenting them. story of Rob running labor day race. asshole. 
i went up to a sales associate at ocean state job lot
Hows it going?
Not much
my answer doesn’t even make sense to the question, but this prick just stared at me my only reaction was to unconsciously answer my own question.

May 20, 2013
When tired at Roche Bros
they ask paper or plastic
I say Paper
then with a long pause i say or plastic doesn’t really matter

May 20, 2013
This white organic meat has a ridiculous cook time of 30 minutes in the oven
those high farrogant pricks don’t even list a microwave time

May 20, 2013
Here's a movie scene; go ahead make the movie, do the labor, and give me the copyright: 
cat lady’s cat scared of trash truck going by
she yells at them to stop.
He stops truck. partner drops barrel and yells at him. people coming out with suits ready to go to work scream at him to move his truck and pick up their trash..
the driver says, “you heard the lady, she told me to stop, the truck scares her cat”

My other idea is very original. Someone will swim deeply into the ocean at nighttime with dminor playing. He will hop in a boat, steal and hop out. I will call it Jaws 6

Scottish men probably go in the wrong bathroom often. They see the picture with the kilt on it and walk in. 

May 20, 2013
Cat sitting on important paper whenever you want to work on something

Holding doors is equated with sainthood
it could be a guy holding open the door with one hand and the other hand holding a blood soaked knife from his morning murder. But people would say
he was a good guy he always held the door open

This town is great, it’s peaceful, it’s the center of industry. Well, why isn’t it the state’s capital city. 
It’s a grim task for fire fighters cleaning up the casualties from a fire
are they sure there isn’t a funny fireman cracking jokes, hey jack another body!

May 27, 2013
Conversation to someone (sister) when forced to go to a (relative’s) party
1.      I don’t wanna go to a party if I am penalized for not going. 2. I have nothing for 2.
or 1. It’s not pleasant to go somewhere if I will be punished for not going. 2. I have nothing for 2.

Happy birthday. And to think right now someone in the world  (in Russia) is being raped and tortured.
or Happy birthday. On your birthday someone just got aids (in Africa) somewhere in the world.
Happy Birthday. What a great day. Someone is being murdered in Chile (anywhere) as we speak.

The R-word is not offensive unless you say the insult or joke to a retarded person.

This Guy at work doesn’t like the band Chicago. They weren’t good in their prime, with all the saxophones, and trumpets. Who do you listen to ? Led Zepelin is at their peak. Hendrix is selling out stadiums playing the national anthem on his guitar. And what do you listen to. Chicago.
Imagine the officer comes knocking on his door late at night. “Sir, it is tough for me to say this, so I will just tell you. Your daughter was at a party. And we tried everything we could. But unfortunately she was found  listening to Chicago.”

Same guy. Who do you have to blow around here to get more hours. I’d like to make a drink for the bosses. I’d put arsenic in it as he storms out.
Another guy repeats these words yelling the line “who do you have to blow around here to get more hours” right as a manager walks by. He must bless himself before he enters the area, “im prepared for whatever happens when i enter this room, i hear no evil, i see no evil.”

July 27, 2013
In horror scenes they always grab a baseball bat. Now is not the time for baseball.
My family doesn’t like that I drink Mountain Dew. they call it “weasel piss”. So when I drink it i hide it. Sometimes they see it but i hope they won’t know its mountain dew even though it says mountain dew on the bottle. You see I get the non-green flavors; red and blue.

i go to church for material.
but i think of god thoughts not human thoughts.
how can god love these people. look at them. this kid has droopy eyes with an I don’t give a fuck attitude.
i try to focus on the sermon but can’t help but think the guy in front of me looks like Larry David.
the sermon is over  i know Larry David likes it as he enthusiastically kneels.

August 16, 2013
Apparently Caroyln and I left too early through the door. Setting the alarm off for the entire store. girls wanted to cry  or hide they were so scared. Robin pissed. As Caryolyn lectured me about being new even though she was new. We didn’t care, we screeched our tires and heading out.

I got expired license out of trash at the town highschool. I was a middleschooler at the time. I brought it home and spread a sense of panic to neighbors that someone lost their license. One mother called the person, the cops, the regristry of missing persons. My highschool sister got the person's name and was prepared to inform them the next school day. As my family went to bed my mom noticed the license was expired. I said yeah, I got it out of the trash. 

Guy and I talked about smashing Chicago cds. Refusing to rescue a drowned swimmer if they like the band Chicago. he would actually push them back into the water. 

I don't have a GPS so I get lost. I got my new Avia shoes. The same The Nightstalker had. I take the wrong road but see a shortcut to Myles Standish. I take a shortcut through a cranberry bog. But this was not a thru way. so now I am driving illegally around a cranberry bog. my old car ain't meant for this. it's narrow on the edge of the muddy bog. brush to the right of me, cranberries to the left of me. here I am stuck on an illegal dirt road with you. Perhaps the cops won't judge me today with the government being shut down. 

Bubonic plague in my pants
i knock over desks as the teacher goes on about social studies
the hot girls pick me up.
go on with the lecture i am having some social studies of my own
i have a masseuse during the class
teacher "then the bubonic plague struck . . " 
there's a bubonic plague in my pants, a little bit more on the back thanks
go on with the middle ages 

February 1st, 2014
I walked on the jetty at plymouth harbor. I came to a rock that said a couple had been engaged there. this rock was way down the path. Did the women say, what did you want to talk about chad. well let's get through this. A list of all your relatives I can't stand how are we going to deal with each of them. After they finally finish. She asks are you going to propose now. Just as long as you get a hit on your aunt and the deal is on. Then I was stranded way down the end of the jetty lonely. Just when I come up to people to have some human interaction they turn and run like I am the swamp monster. I felt like a killer zombie slowly walking after them. I get to the parking lot and kids are doing wheelies and j hops. They do jumps of a boat dock. Some douchy old guy tells them to stop. I ride over and give them a thumbs up. I blare my REM tape as I exit the scene. 

February 7th, 2014
I've been pulled over once. Or should I say I stopped for the cops once. I felt since it was infront of my elementary school I ought to give respect to the authorities. You really can't drive late at night. Or do anything at night. Like sledding at a park at dusk, when it closes. I ran up the hill knowing the hill was lit by the moon. I rocketed down the hill, scraped my back. ran into the car and sped off in the wrong direction home. 

February 15th, 2014
Sitcom. A guy who keeps buying scratch tickets for a gift for a relative. He scratches each ticket before he wraps it up. He keeps winning. He finally loses and wraps it up. He gives it to Scud and says, "I went to the trouble of scratching it for you, you didn't win." 

March  18, 2014
My hearing is so loud the convection oven is dominating me. I can't go camping. I hear all the animals. I hear a wolf eating a coyote. My dad doesn't hear anything, he just snores. 

In 4th grade the teacher asked us to write a palindrome. I went up to the chalk board and wrote, "Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog" . In utter astonishment the class sat. 

July 12 th, 2014
Dad sent video tapes to thrift shop in Stoughton. I went there and everything had been destroyed. I bought some things to alleviate my pain. the double smashing pumpkins cd i bought had only one cd. to alleviate my suffering i hiked in 95 degree heat. then i went to the ocean to watch another's surf board float out to see. Seeing others lose their goods felt therapeutic. 

July 17, 2014
When a marriage ends in divorce, shouldn't everyone that gave a wedding gift get the monetary value of their present back. 

July 23, 2014
People need to get outta of the way when i am driving. i have a two ton death machine. you think by shaming me with jestures it's going to spare your fucking life. Wait for me to go by and take your chances with the next asshole behind the wheel. 

story i told team member little dan in breakroom. dyslexic dan. 
won food the victors of war by charging up Hagan Hall with a pool stick during the ice storm

July 30, 2014
jacked off to miranda kerr but it wasn't her ass it was orlando bloom's

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Comedy (Siphoning Gas)

Google Part 1 of my newest routine. This is not a script but an outline or explanation of what I said. If you want just watch the video.

SAT words, hitting people, excuse me.
We were told to integrate SAT words into our vocabulary. 7 years after the test I am starting this. At work I went up to the bosses and said " this item was placed very precariously."

these damn runners take up the lanes in narrow, curvy two lane streets. I can't go across and hit oncoming cars. You hope these pricks go off to the side of the road for a second. So i stay in my lane and prepare for the worst. Haven't hit someone yet. But if squirells are stupid enough to get hit when they venture on the road, why can't these athletic assholes learn the same hard lesson.

When people say excuse me they don't mean excuse me (said nicely and apolegetic). what they mean at best is this sarcastic "so sorry to have bothered you" and at usual they mean "excuse me" (said rudely) as in get the fuck out of my way. I am in the frozen section of a store and i pin myself in, I am pressed against the wall, people are picking me out of the coolers instead of the digiornios pizza since i am so out of the way. And this women barrels through with her cart and rudely says "excuse me"

You never see Carollas or Priuses speeding. They are always blocking your path, poking along. You have to go somewhere, they have to stop you from getting there.

Women are nice right away. One of the few things good from the start. But unlike most things that get better, women will be worse to you over time.

The point of cleaning is to pretend there never was a mess. That way you can lie to others and not get nagged.

answer to heckler (he /she is the reason why)

In Diluth, Minnesota, may of 2008 a man drove over a dog killing it instantly. He had damage to his car and had to take a day off of work. So he sued the owners for $1,000. the poor creature, I am so sorry, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOOD. great now I got to miss a day of work and go to court. let me grab my new coat made of dog fur and meet in you court. my kind of guy. 

3 Juveniles dig up a corpse in Texas in May 2008 to smoke a bong of Marijuana. When the cop came to their house to question him he threw up. The effort to get a good hit. legalize it recreationally. 

we always bump into each other. why can't we agree on the rules of the road? everyone on the right side. Instead you always have to do the fake move like you are going one way and then you box the other person out. and race around them. 

After hurricane Sandy People are stealing gas. Avoid dealing with gas stations price gauging. Siphon gas. But leave just enough so your victim can drive back to the gas station for more. Or go full Grand Theft Auto and just steal the car after they fill up. Neighbor going away. Tip over their car and siphon every last drop of gasoline. 

Someone Who isn’t me, stole from Dunkin Donuts recently. The cashier didn’t ring up everything i ordered. So i said what about my donut so she grabbed it and gave it to me but failed to charge me for it. I was already gone by the time she realized it. Everything evens out, Lord knows, Shaws frequently rips me off.

The witch at Citizens bank wouldn’t let me withdraw money from my account. I asked how come I can deposit money into the account without any problem. She said anyone could deposit into my account, i could have deposited money into your account.” “well why didn’t you? (said subdued). 

March 19, 2013
In appropriate yelling. Yelling about good things can weird people out. Next time you rear end someone. Get out of the car and say WHY WERE YOU DRIVING AT THE SPEED LIMIT? WHY DID YOU STOP AT THE STOP SIGN. WHY WAS I DRIVING TOO FAST. YOU ARE A GOOD DRIVER THIS WAS ALL MY FAULT. YOU DESERVE ALL THE MONEY. I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU


Monday, December 3, 2012

Comedy Show Episode 4

The final show of the A Life Gone Astray series. Take humor in the travesties of my life-gone-astray.

Comedy Show Episode 3

This is a foolishly wacky video. I cross the line with ordinary situations; pure wackiness and wickedness results. The foolish cat deprives me of a decent reputation with the neighbors once again. The pictures have no correlation with the video.


Comedy Show Episode 2

This is the second video on location. This time I spontaneously drove not knowing where I would end up. I drove over 100 mph at times. I had a $100 and I tried to get lost. I ended up in Yarmouth, MA. I noticed how businesses and car dealerships are on the edge of the road. The road takes you through an airport where planes fly over head. I discovered an entrance to a beautiful beach which I pictured. The video description explains the rest. I spent the whole night finding the original live audio before producing this video. I slept in my car the next day between work shifts.

Comedy Show Episode 1

This is the first video of a series I entitled A Life Gone Astray. I angrily discuss facebook birthdays. I pleasantly describe the feline cat militia spreading across the country. I recount how dentists torture patients. I express disappointment in answering the land phone. And I explain how Matt Epstein is the king of  all pranksters.